if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
