Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
