Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
