Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We don't watch enough power rangers
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
