I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
