last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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