My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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