it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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