Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
