youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
you never un-have a 4some
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
