just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
