Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
