She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
