I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
