why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Pants are for mortals
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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