How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
