yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
