Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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