Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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