So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She even gives head with a lisp.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
