Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
