I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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