need another drink. this is the easiest way
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I can't put those talents on a resume
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
