Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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