You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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