You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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