It's Friday. Sex?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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