dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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