Your dad touched me again.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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