Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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