Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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