Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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