You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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