textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
