It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
