You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
