btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
