I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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