Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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