dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
