i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
