I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
