based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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