these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
