I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
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So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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