Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Randomize
