Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
