I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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