I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
