Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
