in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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