guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
