Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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