I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
