And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
