I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
