I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
