What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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