I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
